You will read a lot about my weight gain. You will get tired of it. but I don't really care. It's my struggle and I vent about it. Its frustrating because, yes, the medicine and Martha contribute the problem but so does my eating habits...I eat 75% crap I'm addicted to easy food.... and wala you have gained 30 lbs in a year. I have always been a skinny girl, ALWAYS. People thought I was anorexic ALL THE TIME. My friends would say she eats all. the. time... It was annoying. I was in a car accident that landed me in the hospital for two weeks, I couldn't eat, I would always throw up, the nurses thought I had anorexia and kept telling my parents that. Thank God my parents never told me that till later bc I may have been stabby about it. When they found out it was my pancreas they changed their routine. I couldn't really say anything bc I would get all the people that weren't skinny telling me they wished they had my problem. Funny story. My High School gym teacher, every year, when we would do the state physical testing and I had to measure my fat, I would have none to register. She told me Heather, one day you won't be this lucky, Your metabolism will slow down, Her name was Mrs. Jones....name sound familiar? Ya, I married her brother in law!! So she gets to see she was right !! She s cool, she gets it. I love her.
Friday, July 28, 2017
the "other crap" that comes with Martha
Sweat. Good pink elephant tails!! I. sweat. so. much! I mean, I just look outside and drip...drip...drip, it's not the ceiling leaking, it's not raining inside, it's my hair ends, my eyebrows, my pores,,,,I mean what the heck?! At times, after I chase the grumpy people at Kroger to give them a smile, I could of been the crazy lady in aisle 10 that has completely emerged herself in the frozen pizza section of the freezer. Now, I will tell you the pizza I wanted is waaaaaay in the back but really you have caught me taking a quick nap to cool off.... Could it be menopause? sure, I did have the most amazing hysterectomy awhile back. Could it be all the weight I have gain seeping through my pores? I wish, only if it made me skinny again. Nah, it's her, my nemesis, the one I strongly strongly hate. Martha. She's a jerk.
You will read a lot about my weight gain. You will get tired of it. but I don't really care. It's my struggle and I vent about it. Its frustrating because, yes, the medicine and Martha contribute the problem but so does my eating habits...I eat 75% crap I'm addicted to easy food.... and wala you have gained 30 lbs in a year. I have always been a skinny girl, ALWAYS. People thought I was anorexic ALL THE TIME. My friends would say she eats all. the. time... It was annoying. I was in a car accident that landed me in the hospital for two weeks, I couldn't eat, I would always throw up, the nurses thought I had anorexia and kept telling my parents that. Thank God my parents never told me that till later bc I may have been stabby about it. When they found out it was my pancreas they changed their routine. I couldn't really say anything bc I would get all the people that weren't skinny telling me they wished they had my problem. Funny story. My High School gym teacher, every year, when we would do the state physical testing and I had to measure my fat, I would have none to register. She told me Heather, one day you won't be this lucky, Your metabolism will slow down, Her name was Mrs. Jones....name sound familiar? Ya, I married her brother in law!! So she gets to see she was right !! She s cool, she gets it. I love her.
You will read a lot about my weight gain. You will get tired of it. but I don't really care. It's my struggle and I vent about it. Its frustrating because, yes, the medicine and Martha contribute the problem but so does my eating habits...I eat 75% crap I'm addicted to easy food.... and wala you have gained 30 lbs in a year. I have always been a skinny girl, ALWAYS. People thought I was anorexic ALL THE TIME. My friends would say she eats all. the. time... It was annoying. I was in a car accident that landed me in the hospital for two weeks, I couldn't eat, I would always throw up, the nurses thought I had anorexia and kept telling my parents that. Thank God my parents never told me that till later bc I may have been stabby about it. When they found out it was my pancreas they changed their routine. I couldn't really say anything bc I would get all the people that weren't skinny telling me they wished they had my problem. Funny story. My High School gym teacher, every year, when we would do the state physical testing and I had to measure my fat, I would have none to register. She told me Heather, one day you won't be this lucky, Your metabolism will slow down, Her name was Mrs. Jones....name sound familiar? Ya, I married her brother in law!! So she gets to see she was right !! She s cool, she gets it. I love her.
Monday, July 24, 2017
It's Monday Y'all !!
Good morning loves! It's Monday!! Are you all happy? You should be, you're alive and you can be something to someone today! I tell my boys everyday when I drop them off to school, to just smile at someone, you don't have to talk to them, just smile and keep on walking. It could change a person's WHOLE day!! Sometimes, I love to smile and say good morning/afternoon to the grumpy people at Kroger, they are my favorites! I can spot them right away and it's like a mission...gotta get them!! They just crack me up!! What do I do when I'm the grumpy one at a store? Good question, if I see someone I know I duck and run...no joke, when you're grumpy you want to be left alone,,,but when you cross a smile, it does make your heart feel better even if you're feeling stabby...I know. I've been at both ends. Try it! It's fun!!
I didn't sleep well last night, that's new, I normally sleep well . It's been going on for a couple of weeks...could be Thoms snoring or the fact he makes the bed freaking HOT or that I sweat small ponds on my pillow and wake up almost drowning. In this time of my body resting and my brain not shutting up, I think, a lot... I was remembering my first fall....now laugh with me, read and imagine...When I was first diagnosed the....she...Martha, had attacked my leg muscles and arm muscles. I had severe myotis, ( hard to explain, my muscles were severely inflamed) my thigh muscles are forever weak because of it... This disease only affects certain muscle groups...(one being the heart which is eventually the fatality of it all) but I digress and back to laughter. So now you have the backstory of why I fall....I was still new to this process of Martha, so I forgot that certain muscles just don't work well anymore....I have this dog. Sophie. small and white, hyper, we all have said mean things about her but I love her and secretly my boys and hubbs love her, anyhow, dumbass runs out my front door to escape the last home she will ever have (she's had two homes before ours) toward the neighbor's dog who would eat her in one bite. Hindsight maybe I should've let her go (just kidding) I run after her, made it down the stairs, 20 feet later...splat...kaplunk...timbeeeeer..and I mean not graceful, not pretty, splat. my legs gave way like gumby, I tried to catch myself with my arms, yup at that point they didn't work well either, soooo down she goes, spread eagle, nose to the grass. I don't move. Holy crap I hope no one saw this...hold still...no, I'm sure everyone saw and they will think I'm dead!!!. problem, how do I get up? I look side to side, I have to roll over to my back, 3 people were out in their lawns, including my hubs, I get up like a very old person that's 9 months pregnant, it wasn't pretty, bow, and look around again...no one saw!!! Praise Jesus!!! PHEW! CRAP! no one saw!!! and now I can't run to get the..dumb...dog. Needless to say she's lucky to be alive , after I got the hubs to get off his tractor to chase the one he sooo loves, Sophie survived the neighbors dog, Thom having to stop his flow of mowing to get her, and me, if my arms were working, I would of possibly.....done nothing, because then she looks at you with those eyes of cuteness and everything is ok again, in her world. Me? That wasn't the last time I will fall...but I have to save my stories of me and Martha for later...
In all of this my relationship with the Lord has brought new meaning to grace, mercy, forgiveness, patience and sovereignty. Even in my stabby days I know he is present. I feel him. When I don't, I have to ask, Who moved? Did I take charge again and start doing things my way? I have learned that my sweet Jesus doesn't leave us in our times of trouble and trial. When you ask "where's God in this?" my friend, he is there, but you're angry and blame him for your pain, a wall has gone up. When you learn you are not a hero, you don't got this ,this is not his fault and just pass out in his arms you will then understand, I moved not God. It feels good to let Jesus take the wheel and know he's got this. I talk to Jesus all day,( especially when my son is driving)...Its peaceful to me it's the reason I try and step on Martha everyday with a smile. I am truly struggling physically everyday but have learned that attitude is EVERYTHING! I will be ok with this change, this hiccup in the road, I will be ok with not being able to be in the sun, ( I love the sun and the beach and being outside and riding with the windows down in the car) I have two littles that I watch everyday and they keep me on my toes. I love being with them and doing things. It makes me get up, I have to. My two sons need a mom who doesn't stay in bed all day everyday because she hurts. I have a husband that has been so patient and kind these last two years and doesn't deserve a wife that could kill him with just a look and he didn't do anything wrong (most days). I refuse to let Martha steal my joy. But with that I DO allow myself to grieve, to be stabby, to rest and not feel guilty about it. I'm not perfect. Monday through Thursday I am pretty good, Friday, I start the decline and by Sunday I sleep. It's my pattern. It works...mostly. If anything from this I can share with you , your relationship with Jesus is key. Letting go of the crushing anger you may have from situations and your attitude about what cards you have been dealt must go. I know this. I'm living this. You can choose to be stabby and hateful while you make everyone around you miserable or you can choose to own it. Ya, I've got Martha, she's a nightmare and I hate that I have her but how am I going to deal with this... I choose to be happy with a side of stabby every once in awhile...
Much love,
Heather
and Martha
I didn't sleep well last night, that's new, I normally sleep well . It's been going on for a couple of weeks...could be Thoms
In all of this my relationship with the Lord has brought new meaning to grace, mercy, forgiveness, patience and sovereignty. Even in my stabby days I know he is present. I feel him. When I don't, I have to ask, Who moved? Did I take charge again and start doing things my way? I have learned that my sweet Jesus doesn't leave us in our times of trouble and trial. When you ask "where's God in this?" my friend, he is there, but you're angry and blame him for your pain, a wall has gone up. When you learn you are not a hero, you don't got this ,this is not his fault and just pass out in his arms you will then understand, I moved not God. It feels good to let Jesus take the wheel and know he's got this. I talk to Jesus all day,( especially when my son is driving)...Its peaceful to me it's the reason I try and step on Martha everyday with a smile. I am truly struggling physically everyday but have learned that attitude is EVERYTHING! I will be ok with this change, this hiccup in the road, I will be ok with not being able to be in the sun, ( I love the sun and the beach and being outside and riding with the windows down in the car) I have two littles that I watch everyday and they keep me on my toes. I love being with them and doing things. It makes me get up, I have to. My two sons need a mom who doesn't stay in bed all day everyday because she hurts. I have a husband that has been so patient and kind these last two years and doesn't deserve a wife that could kill him with just a look and he didn't do anything wrong (most days). I refuse to let Martha steal my joy. But with that I DO allow myself to grieve, to be stabby, to rest and not feel guilty about it. I'm not perfect. Monday through Thursday I am pretty good, Friday, I start the decline and by Sunday I sleep. It's my pattern. It works...mostly. If anything from this I can share with you , your relationship with Jesus is key. Letting go of the crushing anger you may have from situations and your attitude about what cards you have been dealt must go. I know this. I'm living this. You can choose to be stabby and hateful while you make everyone around you miserable or you can choose to own it. Ya, I've got Martha, she's a nightmare and I hate that I have her but how am I going to deal with this... I choose to be happy with a side of stabby every once in awhile...
Much love,
Heather
and Martha
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Martha...my life long enemy...fighting the erg of complete meltdown and grief that she brings...I will survive, I will kill her one day and it will bring me all the joy she stole from me!
Hello my new people, we are doing this adventure together of venting to the web. My family and friends have heard my woes all to much and I hate complaining ALL. THE. TIME to them. Sooooo lucky you web friends! As I am sitting here feeling very sorry for myself (for what you ask) I am a 43 (I think, maybe 42) mom of two teenagers boys that don't get in trouble much and a fantastic husband,.. the problem? I have Dermatomyositus, I just cant get out of bed this weekend, My mind is saying "get up you fool, you're missing ANOTHER day with your family" as my body is saying "shut up brain, I KNNOOOOOW but (and here goes my everyday complaints) my knees burn, my hands hurt, my head is painful again, my thighs are permanently weak, I am depressed and my fatigue is real and my heart is low....I just cant. I so want to get up, but I just cant.
Dermatomyositus: an Infammatory incurable disease marked my muscle weakness and skin rash. pain areas in joints or muscles (both in my case) fatigue, difficulty swallowing, rash on face and chest area... blah blah blah
I'm feeling pissy today... like if you come in my room with flowers, I will breathe fire upon them and make them wither..(mainly due to the fact I haven't brushed my teeth, but we will say its bc of my mood)..and then yell at you to leave my room as my heart says please stay and keep me company. But who would want to stay with a hateful gru that is mouning her loss of independence? Heck, not me! (specially with fire breath)
I got this stupid diagnosis about a year and a half ago,..turned my life upside down,,I had this ridiculous red blemish on my face so after awhile I went to the dermatologist. She diagnosed me with rosacea and was about to leave when she accidentally bump my arm and I winced in pain. Long story for another day short, I got diagnosed with Dermatomyositus with a side of possible cancer, they found 5 tumors,,,,After 6 months of every test and meetings with oncologist,.. many tears in the shower begging God for it not to be cancer, God answered and said OK. Its not going to be cancer but the tumors will be Aspergilios,,, yup, not cancer but the same fate as cancer. sigh, I need to be more direct in when begging with God. I don't want any disease that will kill me before 75. We are still in negotiations with that. I have 5 tumors in my lungs and liver, I take this horrible medicine and I am down now to one tumor but it has not changed size. at all. like it's there just to remind me that Girl. you are NOT in control, you better keep giving it to God because he holds your future.....oh crap. fine. you got this Lord? Its ALLL yours, because I also have this Dermatomyositus , ( we should name it, there is no cure for it so I may as well...Martha? Yes, from now on its name will be Martha) So Martha is a very rare autoimmune,she and I don't always get along, most days we tolerate each other, then there are days like today... Martha doesn't allow me in the sun...at all... and once I figure out how to upload pictures I will show you what she does to my skin. Its not pretty,and for a sun person, this is one of my depressions....two years now not being able to go on family vacations to the beach, heck, not even being able to go outside of my house!! Me and Martha, what we can learn from living with something we don't like, actually hate, sometimes Martha steals my joy. You know, I like naming this disease...this writing has already helped my mood for today,
Dermatomyositus, aka Martha has won, joy stealer, just today.
There is so much more that I need to write and share, like how I have gained 30 lbs and the depression that comes just from that..losing my hair..the days I worry that the tumor will turn into cancer...the day I received my handicap card for my car..the days I fall in public.., but for now I just need to make sure I can fix all the grammatical errors, run on sentences, thinking about if I should delete that curse word,(I did) and do this all without deleting this whole blasted thing! I may write daily, weekly, monthly and by the looks of my blogs before, 6 years...I don't know, I just knew today I needed to vent. My family deserves a happier mother/wife. Today Martha got me but tomorrow we will learn to get along because she will be with me for the long haul and I need to be stronger then her.
Dermatomyositus: an Infammatory incurable disease marked my muscle weakness and skin rash. pain areas in joints or muscles (both in my case) fatigue, difficulty swallowing, rash on face and chest area... blah blah blah
So I'm learning this photo process, but when I go outside not protected, I get little blisters,,,this was a blister that I put a band-aide over so not to leak on my bed. In the morning I pulled the band-aide off and walaa, the band-aide took my skin off as well. Lesson learned. No band-aides.
I got this stupid diagnosis about a year and a half ago,..turned my life upside down,,I had this ridiculous red blemish on my face so after awhile I went to the dermatologist. She diagnosed me with rosacea and was about to leave when she accidentally bump my arm and I winced in pain. Long story for another day short, I got diagnosed with Dermatomyositus with a side of possible cancer, they found 5 tumors,,,,After 6 months of every test and meetings with oncologist,.. many tears in the shower begging God for it not to be cancer, God answered and said OK. Its not going to be cancer but the tumors will be Aspergilios,,, yup, not cancer but the same fate as cancer. sigh, I need to be more direct in when begging with God. I don't want any disease that will kill me before 75. We are still in negotiations with that. I have 5 tumors in my lungs and liver, I take this horrible medicine and I am down now to one tumor but it has not changed size. at all. like it's there just to remind me that Girl. you are NOT in control, you better keep giving it to God because he holds your future.....oh crap. fine. you got this Lord? Its ALLL yours, because I also have this Dermatomyositus , ( we should name it, there is no cure for it so I may as well...Martha? Yes, from now on its name will be Martha) So Martha is a very rare autoimmune,she and I don't always get along, most days we tolerate each other, then there are days like today... Martha doesn't allow me in the sun...at all... and once I figure out how to upload pictures I will show you what she does to my skin. Its not pretty,and for a sun person, this is one of my depressions....two years now not being able to go on family vacations to the beach, heck, not even being able to go outside of my house!! Me and Martha, what we can learn from living with something we don't like, actually hate, sometimes Martha steals my joy. You know, I like naming this disease...this writing has already helped my mood for today,
Dermatomyositus, aka Martha has won, joy stealer, just today.
There is so much more that I need to write and share, like how I have gained 30 lbs and the depression that comes just from that..losing my hair..the days I worry that the tumor will turn into cancer...the day I received my handicap card for my car..the days I fall in public.., but for now I just need to make sure I can fix all the grammatical errors, run on sentences, thinking about if I should delete that curse word,(I did) and do this all without deleting this whole blasted thing! I may write daily, weekly, monthly and by the looks of my blogs before, 6 years...I don't know, I just knew today I needed to vent. My family deserves a happier mother/wife. Today Martha got me but tomorrow we will learn to get along because she will be with me for the long haul and I need to be stronger then her.
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