She can not win!

My heart is so broken today.  Martha's friend cancer has made a possible appearance.  They found a mass in my lung that has attached to my aorta and esophagus....How is this possible?  How can this be?  I am so broken today with the thoughts of what could happen that for a moment or few hours I didn't think of no matter what, God has got this totally under control and I can  not let fear or anxiety creep in.  I must stay glued together!! I will not leave my children or my husband!! I will NOT!  This possible malignancy is just someone's opinion, its not a fact yet....right?  so. I'm fine right? I have cried so hard today that my chest wall is sore.  my head may explode and my heart stop beating.  This is not an ok day.  Tomorrow I will be fresh and ready to come up with a plan with my oncologist.  Today I will stay numb. 

The other side of Martha, her friend Cancer

Good Morning, 

I'm sitting here on my couch listening to Jesus Culture to prepare me for today,  Today I face Martha's best friend, cancer.  When my blood work came back a few weeks ago saying that my counts are showing signs again I allowed myself 24 hours of the grief, tears, fear, anger and then I came back and realized  its ok to feel these things, but  get back up and realizing these feelings are what Satan is going to use to keep me down. (This is also my second time going through this cancer thing and it was tumors, but of a different disease, no cancer) I turned and are using these feelings to claim no cancer in my body.  So for the last 2 weeks or so that's what I have done.  Today, at 1, when I get these scans to "find the cancer"  I will be waiting for the doctors to tell me they found nothing.  I have to keep that faith.  I have to keep that attitude.  I tend to retreat into my safe little box where we and Jesus eat cookies and chocolate milk pretending all things are good...ok who am I kidding, I got my bottle of wine and Jesus just sits there shaking his head but I digress as I will probably visit my box until the results come in  I am confident that no matter the outcome it will all be ok because through this I have found my faith again and what it truly  means to me.  I am a child of God, with these last 2 years of my body declining God has helped me laugh through it,   through the pain, through the weakness I feel all day everyday I still get up, I'm still actively a wife and mother, I also have to most precious little's I watch everyday that keep me alive.  So Martha, you have me today , and I know I will be emotional as I lay in that machine today but my tears will be focused on how great my life is and how you have not ruined it but have enriched it, you have made me stronger, you have made me appreciate all things so.....Thank you  oh. and I still hate you, I will kill you.  You do not have me!  I have you and you will die.

I ask for my praying friends that you help me at 1 today to stay strong and claim a healthy report.

Thank you

Good Morning my friends,

I see a lot of people read my posts about my disease of Martha,  how do I set my comments so you can reply to them?  my email is

hlbjones_soccermom@yahoo.com

Thank you