It's Monday Y'all !!

Good morning loves!  It's Monday!! Are you all happy?  You should be, you're alive and you can be something to someone today! I tell my boys everyday when I drop them off to school, to just smile at someone, you don't have to talk to them, just smile and keep on walking. It could change a person's WHOLE day!! Sometimes, I love to smile and say good morning/afternoon to the grumpy people at Kroger, they are  my favorites! I can spot them right away and it's like a mission...gotta get them!! They just crack me up!! What do I do when I'm the grumpy one at a store?  Good question, if I see someone I know I duck and run...no joke, when you're grumpy you want to be left alone,,,but when you cross a smile, it does make your heart feel better even if you're feeling stabby...I know. I've been at both ends. Try it! It's fun!!

I didn't sleep well last night, that's new, I normally sleep well . It's been going on for a couple of weeks...could be Thoms snoring or the fact he makes the bed freaking HOT or that I sweat small ponds on my pillow and wake up almost drowning.   In this time of my body resting and my brain not shutting up, I think, a lot... I was  remembering my first fall....now laugh with me,  read and imagine...When I was first diagnosed the....she...Martha, had attacked my leg muscles and arm muscles. I had severe myotis, ( hard to explain, my muscles were severely inflamed) my thigh muscles are forever weak because of it... This disease only affects certain muscle groups...(one being the heart which is eventually the fatality of it all)  but I digress and  back to laughter. So now you have the backstory of why I fall....I was still new to this process of Martha, so I forgot that certain muscles just don't work well anymore....I have this dog. Sophie. small and white, hyper,  we all have said mean things about her but I love her and  secretly my boys and hubbs love her, anyhow, dumbass runs out my front door to escape the last home she will ever have (she's had two homes before ours) toward the neighbor's dog who would eat her in one bite. Hindsight maybe I should've let her go (just kidding)  I run after her, made it down the stairs, 20 feet later...splat...kaplunk...timbeeeeer..and I mean not graceful, not pretty, splat.  my legs gave way like gumby, I tried to catch myself with my arms, yup at that point they didn't work well either, soooo down she goes, spread eagle, nose to the grass.  I don't move. Holy crap I hope no one saw this...hold still...no, I'm sure everyone saw and they will think I'm dead!!!. problem, how do I get up? I look side to side,  I have to roll over to my back, 3 people were out in their lawns, including my hubs, I get up like a very old person that's 9 months pregnant, it wasn't pretty, bow, and look around again...no one saw!!! Praise Jesus!!! PHEW! CRAP! no one saw!!! and now I can't  run to get the..dumb...dog. Needless to say she's lucky to be alive , after I got the hubs to get off his tractor to chase the one he sooo loves, Sophie survived the neighbors dog, Thom having to stop his flow of mowing to get her, and me, if my arms were working, I would of possibly.....done nothing, because then she looks at you with those eyes of cuteness and everything is ok again, in her world.   Me? That wasn't the last time I will fall...but I have to save my stories of me and Martha for later...

In all of this my relationship with the Lord has brought new meaning to grace, mercy, forgiveness, patience and sovereignty.  Even in my stabby days I know he is present. I feel him.  When I don't, I have to ask, Who moved?  Did I take charge again and start doing things my way?  I have learned that my sweet Jesus doesn't leave us in our times of trouble and trial. When you ask "where's God in this?"  my friend, he is there, but you're angry and blame him for your pain,  a wall has gone up.  When you learn you are not a hero, you don't got this ,this is not his fault and just pass out in his arms you will then understand, I moved not God. It feels good to let Jesus take the wheel and know he's got this. I talk to Jesus all day,( especially when my son is driving)...Its peaceful to me it's the reason I try and step on Martha everyday with a smile. I am truly struggling physically everyday but have learned that attitude is EVERYTHING!  I will be ok with this change, this hiccup in the road, I will be ok with not being able to be in the sun, ( I love the sun and the beach and being outside and riding with the windows down in the car)  I have two littles that I watch everyday and they keep me on my toes. I love being with them and doing things. It makes me get up, I have to.  My two sons need a mom who doesn't stay in bed all day everyday because she hurts. I have a husband that has been so patient and kind these last two years and doesn't deserve a wife that could kill him with just a look and he didn't do anything wrong (most days). I refuse to let Martha steal my joy. But with that I DO allow myself to grieve, to be stabby, to rest and not feel guilty about it. I'm not perfect. Monday through Thursday I am pretty good, Friday, I start the decline and by Sunday I sleep. It's my pattern. It works...mostly. If anything from this I can share with you , your relationship with Jesus is key. Letting go of the crushing anger you may have from situations and your attitude about what cards you have been dealt must go. I know this. I'm living this.  You can choose to be stabby and hateful while you make everyone around you miserable or you can choose to own it. Ya, I've got Martha, she's a nightmare and I hate that I have her but how am I going to deal with this... I choose to be happy with a side of stabby every once in awhile...

Much love,
Heather
and Martha